Can someone help me make this look less corny

Traditional media. Scanned flat, no heavy filters.

Tell me if the proportions are off before I ink further.

(Shared in the spirit of r/learnart — original credit to the artist; remapped onto clan tags for the demo board.)
Artist handle on source: lelo_nakhle

WIP energy accepted. Post the next pass when you have it.

Signature size crop would help people actually use it.